The Honest Intake™
For couples · Assael Romanelli, PhD & Galit Romanelli, MA
You each answer the same questions, alone, on your own phone. Then one map shows you both sides, gaps and all: an authentic map of your current marriage. Awareness is the first step toward your next one, and this map is where it starts. We hope your next marriage is with each other.
We say marriage for every committed couple, married or not.
for both of you, one time. All sales final. No refunds.
What it is
The Honest Intake™ is a self-guided coaching tool for couples. You each answer the same questions, alone, and the app puts your answers side by side on one map of your relationship. Nobody gets a grade, nobody wins, and everything on it starts from your own answers.
For over a decade, we've done the Honest Intake live with couples, out loud, on a whiteboard. This app is our self-guided version.
How it works
One payment covers you both. Your private link arrives by email and text.
You go first. When you finish, the app gives you an invite to send your partner. They answer the same questions on their own phone, and the app doesn't show them your answers until they've finished theirs and chosen to share it with you. Most answers are one tap, and the first number wins. On the 1 to 10s there's no 5. A 5 is not here and not there.
It's built on your phones, not on our servers. When your partner finishes, they see their own half first. If they share theirs with you, the map opens for both of you. You each see the other's answers only when you've both shared.
Side by side, in your two colors. Then the map asks you one thing: did any of their numbers surprise you?
If you're doing this alone, you'll get the first half of the Honest Intake. The goal is to meet your partner in the truth. Good news: whenever your partner wants to join, they can, at no extra cost. Then you can compare.
We start light, and the temperature rises as we go. You'll see it on your roadmap: the colors warm up as the questions go deeper.
Along the way, the app keeps it light: “You're halfway there. If your coffee went cold, that's a good sign.”
What you get
Everything on it comes from your two sets of answers, read through our coaching framework.
Your map
Simon & Julia
A dance you both signed, way back when.
Simon's business card
Simon
“the pursuer”
I'm 70% positive toward her, 20% negative, and my sour face is up at 30%. I'm the one looking for more. After a fight, I'm usually the one who says sorry.
What works.
You both said this
You agree on one thing. Agreement is rarer than you think.
One of you sees this
Rated 8 or above by one of you. Worth asking the other why not.
Try this tonight
Start with one.
The rest of your Toolkit: Own Your Shadow · The Four Gates (Say the Thing) · The Play-ful Marriage
Your reading list.
The Honest Intake™ · coaching, not therapy · not a clinical assessment
The Honest Intake™ helps you see your marriage as it is right now: its strengths and its weak spots, from each of your sides.
Change happens in four stages: awareness, ownership, choice and change. You can't choose something new until you see clearly what's happening now.
Your next marriage takes off from this one, so The Honest Intake starts at the first step, awareness: an honest snapshot, so you can meet in the truth and choose your next marriage. Ownership and choice come next, and change is the result.
Are you ready?
Before your first question
You'll each agree to this before question one:
If any of these is a no for either of you, don't buy it yet.
Any couple in a committed, long-term relationship. Married or not. Religious or not. Any gender. Usually together a year or more, long enough to have a pattern. Things can be good, stuck, or hard. Here mostly because your partner asked? That's fine. Come anyway.
This is for you if you:
It comes down to simple math: when your curiosity is greater than your fear and your comfort, you're ready.
Already in therapy? Bring your map.
It asks about everything, sex included. If you send your map to your partner, they'll see almost every answer. Skip anything you like; if you skip it, you won't see theirs either.
If any of the above are true, couples work of this kind isn't the safe next step. Talk with an advocate on your own, free and confidential: 1-800-799-7233.
We'd rather have fewer couples, and the right ones.
We don't keep a database of answers, and we never see yours. Your answers live on your phone, and in the link you send your partner. Our customer system keeps one small record of your purchase: that each of you agreed and finished, and the date and time it was logged. That record never includes your answers, and your partner can't see it. If the first of you to finish adds email addresses at the end and taps Send, we keep only those addresses, to send you both a few emails. Never your answers or your map. Like most websites, our pages count visits.
Your partner sees your answers only if you send them. If you do, they'll see almost every answer you give, and which questions you skip. Only a few private safety answers always stay private. It works both ways: you each see the other's answers only when you've both shared, and your partner can keep a copy.
We react less to what actually happened, and more to our interpretation of it: our map of it. As the saying goes, the map is not the territory. The Honest Intake surfaces your two maps, side by side, so each of you can first see your own.
For over a decade, we, Assael and Galit, have done The Honest Intake live with couples, out loud, on a whiteboard, with humor and empathy. This app is our self-guided version, so here we'll be playfully direct.
To give you an honest, human, direct and clear reflection, we block your exits (the jokes, the "it depends", and rounding your answers up or down) and raise the temperature. Carl Whitaker called this positive anxiety: the healthy mix of fear and excitement where growth happens. Remember, there's no growth in the comfort zone, and no comfort in the growth zone. The way out of the app itself is always open: you can stop at any time.
We answer these questions ourselves, again and again, in our own marriage. Every round is a snapshot in time: a pulse check on where we are right now.
You'll need to be brave, playful, honest and curious. If you fake it, or round your answers up or down, you'll miss an important chance to meet each other in the truth.
Are you ready?
Marriage is a people-growing mechanism.
The goal is to feel free, together.
Subjective is the only objective. In a marriage there's no one objective truth, but rather two experiences, and both are real.
Every marriage ends, at least its first version. It ends through one of the ABCs: an Affair, in the broadest sense of the word (not only with another person: with work, the kids, a phone or a hobby, anything that takes the energy elsewhere), Boredom, or Change. We all keep changing, so every couple outgrows the marriage they started with.
The question isn't if your marriage will end, but when it will end. And will your next marriage be with the partner you have now?
You'll probably be married more than once in your life. Ideally, each new marriage is with the same partner. We call that remarriage.
We're Assael and Galit, a married couple. We made The Honest Intake™, and the Remarriage Roadmap, our 8-week coaching program for couples.
The Honest Intake is coaching, not therapy. Assael Romanelli, PhD, is a licensed clinical social worker in New Jersey. He is not acting in that capacity when you use The Honest Intake™, and no clinical services are provided through it.
After your map
First, for everybody: give it a night. Give it a day. Don't explain your numbers, and don't correct your partner's. Then pick one number that surprised you or stung, and start there.
If you'd like help with what comes next, the end of your map offers a free 40-minute call, a link to our Remarriage Roadmap, and a way to find a licensed couples therapist near you.
This call is free, and it isn't coaching or therapy. It's an assessment call, the four of us together (both of you, with Assael and Galit), to see whether our paid 8-week program, the Remarriage Roadmap, is a good fit for you.
Our 8-week coaching program for couples. Same partner, new marriage.
A separate, paid program, with its own agreement.
The Honest Intake™
per couple, one time. All sales final. No refunds, including if your partner never joins.
For both of you:
The joint map opens when you've both finished and shared. If only one of you does it, you get your own half. All sales are still final.
For couples, both 18 or older. Not for now if there's abuse or violence of any kind between you, threats, coercion or control, fear of what the other might do, or a child who isn't safe. Wait if there's a crisis, an active addiction, or an open court case.
Invite your partner, never pressure them. This isn't a way to find out what someone is hiding. If they say no or stop partway, that's their answer, and the app won't tell you why.
Your partner's half is included whenever they choose to join.
All sales final.
No. When your partner opens your invite, the first thing they read is: "This is your choice."
Invite your partner, never pressure them. This isn't a way to find out what someone is hiding. If they say no or stop partway, that's their answer, and the app won't tell you why.
If you're doing this alone, you'll get the first half of the Honest Intake. The goal is to meet your partner in the truth. Good news: whenever your partner wants to join, they can, at no extra cost. Then you can compare.
Your half is still yours: your own answers, with a question mark wherever only your partner can fill it in. Your partner can join at no extra cost for as long as we offer The Honest Intake. If we ever stop, we'll give 90 days' notice first, so they can finish. All sales are final, including if your partner never joins.
Only if you send them your map, and then almost everything. It asks about everything, sex included. Skip anything you like; if you skip it, you won't see theirs either.
Only a few private safety answers always stay private. It works both ways: you see your partner's answers only if you share yours, and your partner can keep a copy.
We never see your answers unless you choose to show us. They live on your phone and in the links the app makes, and the map is built on your phone, not on our servers. Anyone with one of those links can read the answers in it, so keep them safe. We can't recover them if they're lost.
The full promise is above, and the Privacy Policy explains every part.
You can skip any question you don't want to answer. But if you skip it, you won't see their answer to it either.
If you send your map, your partner will see that you skipped it. (Skipping one of the few private safety questions never shows.)
No. A self-guided coaching tool. Not therapy, not a diagnosis, and not for emergencies. In danger, call 911.
A mirror, not a verdict. The map reflects your own answers back to you, through The Potential State's coaching framework. Everything on it, including the playful role names, patterns and suggestions, is coaching, not a clinical analysis, assessment or diagnosis, and not therapeutic advice. It may sting, and it can be wrong about you.
Already in therapy? Bring your map.
About 30 minutes each, in 8 short stops. Works on a phone or computer with an up-to-date browser. Nothing to install. You each answer on your own, and you both need to be 18 or older.
Outside the US? It's offered there too. Your link comes by email too, in case a text doesn't reach you. The help numbers on this page are US numbers; outside the US, call your local emergency number.
Only if we can't make it work. All sales are final, and there are no refunds, including if your partner never joins.
If your link doesn't arrive, or something breaks on our side, write to [email protected]. We'll resend your link or reset your access, and if we can't get it working for you within 14 days of your message, we'll refund you.
Yes, once you finish. The first of you to finish gets your own half right away. The second of you sees their own half first. When they share theirs with you, the joint map opens for both of you: both of you side by side, as one big picture and a short 3-page report.
Some answers open a note with places to get help, on that person's own screen only. Your map is still there for you.
Not made for court. This is for the two of you, not for lawyers. The map isn't built or tested as evidence, and it isn't a custody or forensic evaluation. If you send your answers, your partner gets a copy, and anyone with your link can read them, so no one can promise a court will never see them. Nothing here stops anyone from seeking protection or calling the police.
Have an open divorce, custody or restraining-order case with each other? Then wait, and come back when it fits.